In order to negotiate better, freelancers need to learn to love the fear of asking for more.
(It’s not bravery or some magical power that helped me become a better negotiator; it was raw fear.)
Fear can make us unable to think, unable to move. I’ve been so gripped by fear that my feet felt frozen to the floor.
When we’re negotiating, we don’t have control over the outcome or over the other party’s actions. And as freelancers, with our income directly dependent on a continuous flow of work, we are particularly vulnerable.
Fear can make us completely unable to represent ourselves. It triggers our fight, flight, freeze, or surrender response. Any of which is appropriate when we’re physically threatened, but completely wrong when bargaining with a potential client.
When I am pressured to lower my price, all my worst fears about freelancing come rushing out of the dark recesses of my mind. “I should have never quit my day job;” “I’m not good enough;” “I’m not smart enough;” “They see right through me;” “These people don’t like me;” “I should be more prepared.”
My reactions can be physical in the extreme. I’ve experienced shortness of breath, a churning stomach, and frozen legs. My prepared and memorized remarks have left my mind. I have felt faint, hoping that someone will save me, yet completely unable to ask for help as I slowly sink into nothingness.
Fear reigns supreme, and all seems lost.
Fortunately, I have found ways to overcome my fears. And for me, a key tool has been finding something specific to ask for. When I ask for exactly what I need with confidence, I feel like I’m regaining control of the situation. When clients reply, I can clearly gauge their response. In this way, asking gives me both a way to manage my emotional reaction and a sense of how they view me. This process puts me in a stronger mental space for negotiating the next steps.
In these situations, I’ve asked for things such as:
- To have the meeting moved to a new location when the room was so flooded by sunlight that it was difficult to see
- A break in the conversation so I could review my notes
- A power cord so I could show my presentation on the big screen
- More money than they’ve offered to get their attention
But I didn’t always ask for what I needed with this kind of clarity. I actually started doing it by accident.
I was once negotiating with a purchasing agent. We were in a west-facing room late in the day. The agent had positioned himself between me and the low-hanging sun. He was silhouetted, and I couldn’t make out his face. I’m sure it was deliberate.
So, I asked, “Could we shut the blinds or move to another room? I can’t see your face.”
I simply reacted to my discomfort automatically. It definitely wasn’t bravery. And it wasn’t planned, but he apologized — somewhat sheepishly — and we moved.
That moment was a breakthrough for me. The simplicity of my request. The obvious discomfort I was experiencing gave my tough purchasing agent no choice but to react in a kind, humane way.
And when he honored my ask, my fear evaporated.
I learned that if I just ask for what I need, I can let go of my fears. And when I am able to release my fears, I am about to be a more rational and present negotiator. I now know that taking action increases confidence and that asking is a form of action.
What’s more, taking action increases confidence even if the action does not produce the desired response. What would have happened if the purchasing agent had refused to move? I would have known he was an asshole for sure. And probably, I’d realize he wasn’t someone I could work with. I wouldn’t have gotten the gig, but I would have left with my respect intact.
Understanding that you may be fearful during a business conversation, and that fear is completely normal, is key to mastering the art of negotiation. Knowing that fear is a signal that action is required, can help you follow your gut. Fear can go from being a scary all-powerful enemy to a friend. A friend who warns us so we can be safe.
It may seem like an exaggeration, but I think it is important to learn to love fear. I will be forever grateful for that day in the room with the sun behind that man’s face, and my spontaneous ask being honored. He and I went on to reach an agreement and I got the assignment. But the lesson I learned was much more important than that gig.
Thanks to that lesson, when fear starts to rise, I look for something to ask for that will renew my courage. And with that very real courage, I can bring all my power and skill into a negotiation.