Negotiations: Raw Fear Rules
Every rung up the ladder produced additional anxiety. At first I thought, “I can handle this,” but as I gained height, I began to feel weak. Not good, but a feeling I know too well.
The instructor placed the trapeze in my right hand. “God, it’s weighted,” I thought, as I felt it pulling me off the platform. “Of course, that’s why they swing so well.” Only the instructor’s firm grip kept me from spinning off into space. Now feeling the full impact of fear, I said, “I can’t do this. I’m going back down the ladder.”
The instructor gently tried to reassure me, but I insisted. On the way down, I felt a rush of shame, and thoughts swirled through my mind:
Great, there goes my cred as the powerful consultant…
Maybe with my fear being so public they will empathize with me and we’ll make a stronger connection…
Whatever happens, I’m safe now. Maybe I’ll feel better after seeing what the others do…
As my feet touched the floor, I thought, Maybe I’ll even get the courage to try again.
After I watched a few team members go through the routine, I did climb back up the ladder, swing, and redeem some part of my reputation. In my next session with the team, I sensed a closer connection than in the past.
A few days later, I called my client. “Yep, Ted, you were definitely off the pedestal, and I think the empathy they felt for you gave your afternoon session much more impact. They sure took a lot of notes,” she said. “As a matter of fact, there’s been several spontaneous discussions about your fear of heights and recovery. They saw you surrender to your fear and recover. A great lesson.”
I know from experience that if I force myself to ignore the fear, to avoid the feelings of shame, to avoid being “chicken,” to avoid the imagined public disgrace from the failure to be brave – chances are pretty good that disaster is more likely than success. In fact, I’ve been advising students and clients for years first, to acknowledge, and second, to withdraw from any high-stress negotiation situation in which their anxiety seems out of control. On reflection, I realized that for once I’d taken my own advice and it worked.
Current research has shown that first acknowledging your anxiety, then taking a moment to recover, reduces the amount of time you will feel the fear by half. Why? Because admitting your fear shows you are human. It shows you are just like everyone else and the resulting empathy creates a stronger connection. And, a little time allows your rational skills to resume, displacing the fear.
Fear can take over when you’re negotiating anything important, from your first salary to the biggest deal of your career. It’s critical to know in advance that the smart thing to do is to acknowledge the fear, not suppress it, allowing yourself to recover as quickly as possible so that you can bring your rational abilities back to full force.
My experience with the trapeze gave me a fresh personal connection with fear. It renewed my understanding of the feelings my students and clients experience when they’re dealing with the ruling power of raw fear.
