Negotiations: Opportunity to learn

I think of negotiation as investigation.

When I investigate, I enter a learning mode, reducing my anxiety.

By considering negotiation the first creative activity in a project, I create the opportunity to shape the project to meet my needs and those of the client.

For me, replacing negotiation with investigation eliminates the potential for conflict and reduces my fear of confrontation to a manageable level.

Here’s the issue. It all starts with a feeling: Someone asks me for something, and I instantaneously feel an internal tug. My need to say yes quickly rises to an overwhelming level –– even though I know saying yes could set me up for less than the best result. It’s as though I can’t bear feeling responsible for disappointing others.

Maybe I’m too sensitive. I like to think I’m pretty good at empathizing with people and intuiting their feelings. Many of the creative professionals I work with are, too. But while our sensitivity creates a deep emotional attachment to our work and those we work with, it can also turn us into lousy negotiators. I often hear complaints like:

“I never want others to think I’m being pushy or mean.”

“I’m afraid I’ll lose the opportunity if I ask for too much.”

“I hate confrontation.”

I’ve rolled over and given in to these feelings of insecurity far too many times. Why?

Well, the easiest way to make that bad feeling disappear is to compromise and say yes.

“Yes,” I hear myself saying, even though the money is too small, the schedule too short, and the deliverables too large.

But over time, I’ve learned that my ‘yes’ impulse is a signal to self. I can’t shut down the impulse I think it’s somehow simply built into my psyche. But I can channel it into a productive use.

“Ted, could you get the drawing done by ten tomorrow morning?”

I’m so thrilled that someone wants me to draw something I feel an almost desperate need to say yes. I want to scream yes! But noting the feeling, I pause, just for a microsecond I pause, and instead of yes I ask:

“Isn’t the art intended for your presentation next week?”

And she replies, giving me a bit more information with, “Yes, a week from Friday is the big day…”

Note that I didn’t ask why tomorrow at ten. I asked a slightly more open-ended question to expand the frame beyond tomorrow and, hopefully, help her think beyond what she originally asked.

Naturally, she told me that she hoped to show the drawing to her boss in the morning but quickly adjusted, realizing she could do that later.

By asking a question and thinking of the negotiation as an investigation, my anxiety that comes from the fear of letting others down or the fear that I must say yes to be considered worthy slips away. What replaces it is gentle question-asking that opens the conversation to more possibilities.

Thinking of negotiations as investigation means exploring with our clients to find pathways forward that neither of us would have found on our own. Open-ended questions encourage thoughtful, expansive responses. Here are some of my favorites:

Please tell me more about that.

What did you think about it?

What do you think is the best path forward?

How could we respond differently?

What would you say the goal is?

Help me understand…?

What’s the best way for me to understand the audience?

Does an example you admire come to mind?

Have you done something like this before? What was that like?

How does this project support the overall strategy?

The key is to be curious about the other person, their challenges, and the overall context. The great thing about questioning is that it signals genuine interest, making the other person feel valued. In a very natural way, questioning helps you better understand the other person.

When negotiation becomes an investigation, the creative process begins, and the fear we associate with bargaining evaporates.