Negotiations: Hubris, an internal demon

Hubris ruins negotiations.

Unrestrained pride can cost you friends, employees, clients, deals and even your life.

Yep, hubris is dangerous and life-threatening.

And, like the common cold, we can all catch it.

Yes, I’m intimately familiar with hubris.

Here’s how it rolls out for me. First, I find myself striving to achieve something; then I slip into achievement mode –– where I feel all comfy with my accomplishments –– and then when I’m least self-aware, hubris bites.

Striver, achiever, hubris. I’ve experienced this pattern more often than I care to admit.

The trick, especially at work –– but actually anywhere –– is recognizing hubris and adjusting our behavior before it causes damage. Hubris has a sneaky way of warping our self-awareness when we need it most. And along the way it damages relationships, limits collaboration, hinders learning, and costs us deals. Ultimately, being humble will always garner the most positive response.

The lesson

My Hubris demon struck when I was taking fast driving lessons from a Bobby Unser at a local track. It was part of a promotion sponsored by Audi. Bobby is famous and I was lucky to be there.

Among the four of us in the car (Bobby, me and two fellow students), I was the last to take the wheel. Eager to do my best, I focused intently on the instructor’s directions.

I wanted to look good. I wanted to demonstrate mastery.

I gripped the wheel and zeroed in on the track, the car, and the dynamics in play.

After the first couple of circuits, our instructor praised my technique. I felt myself relax as I guided us with a surge of confidence into the next bend. I realized just a bit too late that I was going too fast. The car, destabilized by a slight lift in the track, lost traction, started to slide sideways, and then spun off the track entirely out of my control. We came to rest in a dramatic cloud of dust.

A moment of quiet followed. We all breathed a sigh of relief as the dust settled. Bobby tur turned to me and said: “My compliments went right to your head.”

In seconds, I had gone from striving to achieving to hubris. Worse, I put us all at risk.

Hubris

Hubris is an extreme and unreasonable feeling of pride and confidence in yourself and your abilities or achievements.

Unchecked, hubris can lead to shame, humiliation, and — without correction — disaster. It is a word that captures why so many successful leaders sabotage their careers and blow deals when they get caught up in thinking they are all powerful. Hubris exactly describes what I experienced on the track that day.

When Bobby’s praise went to my head, success amplified into hubris, warping my understanding of my skill level, and it put everyone at risk.

Critical feedback is a requirement for long-term success. Success at a hubristic level blocks our ability to hear critique. Not hearing the insights critical feedback can provide us is dangerous, especially at work. Without critical feedback, anyone in a management role at any level can become hubristic, not realizing their limitations and weaknesses. We may be well-intentioned, but it’s far too easy not to be aware of our blind spots.

So, how can you tell when confidence is approaching hubris? Here are some signs I’ve seen in myself and others in the workplace:

1. You refrain from talking with your customers.

I had a colleague once tell me that he actively avoids his clients. He said, “I’m terrible in those client meetings. My time is way better spent thinking strategically about my own business.” Avoiding what your clients think puts you in a hubristic danger zone. Being in touch with clients allows you to solve problems when they are small enough to handle. Clients can help us see opportunities for improvement that only they can alert us to. Thinking we’re too important to spend the time to talk with clients is a warning sign that success is leading us to hubris.

2. You blame others.

If “Whose fault is it?” is the first question you ask colleagues when something goes wrong, you may be experiencing hubris. Not seeing issues as an opportunity to improve is a mistake. Blaming others when a negotiation goes wrong rather than taking responsibility damages others. And, it shows you are blind to underlying problems.

3. You get defensive.

If you feel defensive with small challenges from staff, partners, or prospects, you may be experiencing hubris. The protective feeling of safety that success provides can get in the way of self-examination. Remember: We all have to reflect on our work and our shortcomings to get better at anything.

4. Your team is scared to disagree with you.

If your team always agrees with you, you may have created a problem-avoidance culture in which people do not feel safe enough to disagree. Perhaps you’ve marginalized or, worse, fired those who’ve dared to disagree. Having a team that’s afraid to call it like they see it is a significant sign of hubris among leadership.

5. You make all final decisions.

Yes, making decisions with a big committee can be slow and cumbersome. And yes, you may be capable of making decisions on your own. However, not seeking insights from those you work with is a warning sign of hubris. When making decisions, asking for others’ advice is a sign of strength, not weakness.

6. You always have lunch with the same people.

Being close with only a few peers can separate you from others who can help you, your career, and the organization. I must confess: I used to only have lunch with the same people. I remember doing it deliberately to avoid the discomfort of meeting new people as well as the potential that others might make suggestions about my work. It was a comforting habit that didn’t help me grow and improve. I wasted opportunities to learn from others.

7. Your goals are unreasonable.

Big, audacious goals are often motivating. The idea is to reach for the stars, think big, and go for it. This can be positive and help you get out of the day-to-day thinking and into “what’s possible” thinking. However, problems arise when the audacious goals become ridiculous, and people aren’t willing to tell you it’s silly or overblown. Setting unreasonable goals is one of the biggest signs of hubris.

Hubris is a demon that will destroy relationships, lose deals, and, at worst, become life-threatening.