Mentor Mornings: Dealing with bullies

Being raised by a bully helped me learn how to manage them

“Teddy, what’s three times five?” It’s asked in a voice I can’t ignore.
“Fifteen.”
“And what’s four times five?” More demanding now.
“Twenty,” I say, dreading the next question. Knowing and fearing where his questioning is going. Tears are about to spill.
“Okay, crybaby, what’s four times six?”

I think it’s just one more four than the last one – or is it one more six? I feel the yawn coming, and try to resist. Yawning will really piss him off. I lose out to the yawn…

“Bored stupid, are you? Or just plain dumb? You’ll never get through the fourth grade.” Dad’s voice rising now: “You stupid little shit.”

Bullying is a form of violence; it’s emotional violence intended to dominate the victim into submission. When we’re under attack our rational mind shuts down and we move into a self-protective mode often referred to as fight-or-flight. When we can’t fight and we can’t run away, we freeze or surrender. These are normal human responses to being in danger.

My dad was a bully. And experiences like learning my multiplication tables taught me a lot about bullying. It pains me to write this and to remember that deep well of absolute despair that resulted from his attacks. His bullying would drive away any possibility of remembering what four times anything was. It gave him absolute power over me. The whole exercise was not about learning; it was about him being smarter than I was, and proving it by reducing me to a state of complete submission with no hope of ever returning to the world of normal again.

Bullies bully to be in control, because they feel powerless. They bully not to inform, not to help you do better work. It’s not constructive criticism. It’s destructive criticism – intended to leave you shamed and diminished so they can feel powerful and in control.

Once you’ve been bullied you’ll feel shamed, demeaned, even unworthy of others respect and the tendency is to isolate yourself so others don’t see your shame. Don’t. Seeking help and insights from friends, peers or a professional will help you find the right path forward. Isolation will lead you deeper into submission.

We’re never going to live in a bully-free world, but it helps immensely to understand bullies’ motivations, tactics and patterns. And it helps even more to know strategies to deal with them effectively, so their problems don’t end up controlling your life.

Join us this Saturday to share your experience dealing with difficult personalities. Together we’ll explore the use of our cognitive insights and life long experiences to counter the pain we experience when we are bullied.

  •  May 26, 2018
     10:00 am - 12:00 pm

Location:   The De Anza III

Venue Phone: (206) 914-8338

Address:
4501 Shilshole Ave NW, Seattle, Washington, 98117, United States

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