Excessive pride can sabotage your career. But unfortunately many of us experience a similar pattern: First we are strivers, then we are achievers, and then hubris takes hold.

I’ve experienced this pattern more often than I care to admit. Maybe you have, too.

Power and success are tricky to manage. We’re all prone to hubris. The trick, especially at work, is recognizing hubris and adjusting our behavior before it causes damage. Hubris has a stealthy way of warping our self-awareness when we need it most. And in the office, hubris can damage our relationships, limit collaboration, and hinder learning. Ultimately, being humble will always garner the most positive response.

Here’s why hubris is so common, and how to avoid it:

THE DANGER OF HUBRIS
When I think about hubris, I often think about a life-changing moment I had during a driving lesson on a local track. Among the four of us in the car (an instructor and two fellow students), I was the third to take the wheel. Eager to do my best, I followed the instructor’s directions. I didn’t want to look like an idiot.

I gripped the wheel and zeroed in on the track, the car, and the dynamics in play.

After the first couple of turns, our instructor praised my technique. I felt myself relax as I guided us with a surge of confidence into the next bend. I realized just a bit too late that I was going too fast. The car, destabilized by a slight lift in the track, lost traction, started to slide sideways, and then, entirely out of my control, spun off the track and came to rest in a cloud of dust.

A moment of quiet followed. We all breathed a sigh of relief as the dust settled. Our instructor turned to me and said: “My compliments went right to your head.”

In seconds, I had gone from striving to achieving to being overconfident. In the end, I put us all at risk.

WHAT IS HUBRIS?
Hubris is a word that describes unrestrained pride in your abilities or achievements, leading to shame, humiliation, and—without correction—disaster. It is a word that captures why so many successful leaders sabotage their careers, and it also describes what I experienced on the track that day.

Just like when the instructor’s praise went to my head, success can warp our understanding of what is required for continued success, particularly for a leader.

Success without hearing the insights critical feedback can provide us is dangerous, especially at work. Without critical feedback, anyone in a management role at any level can become hubristic, not realizing their limitations and weaknesses. We may be well-intentioned, but it’s far too easy to simply not be aware of our own blind spots.

So how can you tell when confidence is approaching hubris? Here are some signs I’ve seen in myself and others in the workplace:

1. You refrain from talking with your customers.

I had a colleague once tell me that he actively avoids his clients. He said, “I’m really terrible in those client meetings. My time is way better spent thinking strategically about my own business.” Avoiding what your clients think puts you in a hubristic danger zone. The simple fact is that being in touch with clients allows you to solve problems when they are small enough to handle easily. Clients can help us see opportunities for improvement that only they can alert us to. Thinking we’re too important to spend the time to talk with clients is a warning sign that success is leading us to hubris.

2. You blame others.

If “Whose fault is it?” is the first question you ask colleagues when something goes wrong, you may be experiencing hubris. Not seeing issues as an opportunity to improve is a mistake. Blaming others rather than taking accountability is not only horribly damaging but it also indicates that you are blind to underlying problems.

3. You get defensive.

If you feel yourself getting defensive during the slightest challenge from staff or partners, you may be experiencing hubris. This may feel like the need to circle the wagons when you perceive any threat. The protective feeling of safety that success often provides can get in the way of self-examination. But keep in mind: We all have to reflect on our work and potential shortcomings to get better at anything.

4. Your team is scared to disagree with you.

If your team always agrees with you, you may have created a problem-avoidance culture in which people do not feel safe enough to disagree with you. Perhaps you’ve marginalized or, worse, fired those who’ve dared to disagree. Having a team that’s afraid to call it like they see it is a significant sign of hubris among leadership.

5. You make all final decisions.

Yes, making decisions with a big committee can be slow and cumbersome. And yes, you may be capable of making decisions on your own. However, not seeking insights from those you work with is a warning sign of hubris. Asking for others’ advice when making decisions is a sign of strength, not weakness.

6. You always have lunch with the same people.

Fraternizing with only a few peers can separate you from coworkers who might be able to help you, your career, and the organization. I must confess: I used to only have lunch with the same people. I remember doing it deliberately to avoid the discomfort of meeting new people as well as the potential that others might make suggestions about my work. It was a comforting habit that didn’t help me grow and improve. I wasted opportunities to learn from others.

7. Your goals are unreasonable.

Big, audacious goals are often motivating. The idea is to reach for the stars, think big, and go for it. This can be positive and can help you get out of the day-to-day thinking and into “what’s possible” thinking. However, problems arise when the audacious goals become ridiculous, and your staff isn’t willing to tell you it’s ridiculous. Setting goals that are unreasonable is one of the biggest signs of hubris.

HOW TO AVOID HUBRIS
Fortunately, there are many ways to avoid hubris. One of the best ways is to be open to others’ questions and criticism. Successful leaders listen deeply to critical feedback. This is often called active listening. It means really listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak. Focus your full attention on what is being said. Concentrate, and make sure you can remember the main points. Try to not be defensive.

Active listening can feel completely unnatural. It sure did to me when I first tried it. I felt the discomfort that shame rising in me always brings. I desperately wanted to defend myself. And I felt helpless knowing it was wrong to defend against the critique. But taking in the criticism without defending myself helped me understand the negative aspects of my management style and prompted me to change.

The next step is to ask questions. The purpose of asking is to gain a deeper understanding of the criticism. The goal isn’t to find flaws in the critique but to fully digest it. Try to understand that the person giving you feedback is helping you improve and perhaps feeling vulnerable themselves. For me, note-taking keeps me from blocking out things I’d really rather not hear. Taking notes while getting critical feedback helped me retain the crucial points.

Once your team knows you listen and respond to critical feedback and once they see you learning and improving, they will be encouraged to bring up issues without fear. Encouraging your team to speak up will be more effective when they know it’s safe to bring up uncomfortable issues. Once they feel safe, they will be more willing to tell you what they really think, rather than what they think you want to hear.

Ultimately, anyone can avoid hubris by listening to critical feedback and responding with positive action.

The post Hubris can sabotage your career. Here’s how to avoid it appeared first on Ted Leonhardt.

(It’s not bravery or some magical power that helped me become a better negotiator; it was raw fear.)

Fear can make us unable to think, unable to move. I’ve been so gripped by fear that my feet felt frozen to the floor.

When we’re negotiating, we don’t have control over the outcome or over the other party’s actions. And as freelancers, with our income directly dependent on a continuous flow of work, we are particularly vulnerable.

Fear can make us completely unable to represent ourselves. It triggers our fight, flight, freeze, or surrender response. Any of which is appropriate when we’re physically threatened, but completely wrong when bargaining with a potential client.

When I am pressured to lower my price, all my worst fears about freelancing come rushing out of the dark recesses of my mind. “I should have never quit my day job;” “I’m not good enough;” “I’m not smart enough;” “They see right through me;” “These people don’t like me;” “I should be more prepared.”

My reactions can be physical in the extreme. I’ve experienced shortness of breath, a churning stomach, and frozen legs. My prepared and memorized remarks have left my mind. I have felt faint, hoping that someone will save me, yet completely unable to ask for help as I slowly sink into nothingness.

Fear reigns supreme, and all seems lost.

Fortunately, I have found ways to overcome my fears. And for me, a key tool has been finding something specific to ask for. When I ask for exactly what I need with confidence, I feel like I’m regaining control of the situation. When clients reply, I can clearly gauge their response. In this way, asking gives me both a way to manage my emotional reaction and a sense of how they view me. This process puts me in a stronger mental space for negotiating the next steps.

In these situations, I’ve asked for things such as:

• To have the meeting moved to a new location when the room was so flooded by sunlight that it was difficult to see
• A break in the conversation so I could review my notes
• A power cord so I could show my presentation on the big screen
• More money than they’ve offered to get their attention

But I didn’t always ask for what I needed with this kind of clarity. I actually started doing it by accident.

I was once negotiating with a purchasing agent. We were in a west-facing room late in the day. The agent had positioned himself between me and the low-hanging sun. He was silhouetted, and I couldn’t make out his face. I’m sure it was deliberate.

So, I asked, “Could we shut the blinds or move to another room? I can’t see your face.”

I simply reacted to my discomfort automatically. It definitely wasn’t bravery. And it wasn’t planned, but he apologized — somewhat sheepishly — and we moved.

That moment was a breakthrough for me. The simplicity of my request. The obvious discomfort I was experiencing gave my tough purchasing agent no choice but to react in a kind, humane way.

And when he honored my ask, my fear evaporated.

I learned that if I just ask for what I need, I can let go of my fears. And when I am able to release my fears, I am about to be a more rational and present negotiator. I now know that taking action increases confidence and that asking is a form of action.

What’s more, taking action increases confidence even if the action does not produce the desired response. What would have happened if the purchasing agent had refused to move? I would have known he was an asshole for sure. And probably, I’d realize he wasn’t someone I could work with. I wouldn’t have gotten the gig, but I would have left with my respect intact.

Understanding that you may be fearful during a business conversation, and that fear is completely normal, is key to mastering the art of negotiation. Knowing that fear is a signal that action is required, can help you follow your gut. Fear can go from being a scary all-powerful enemy to a friend. A friend who warns us so we can be safe.

It may seem like an exaggeration, but I think it is important to learn to love fear. I will be forever grateful for that day in the room with the sun behind that man’s face, and my spontaneous ask being honored. He and I went on to reach an agreement and I got the assignment. But the lesson I learned was much more important than that gig.

Thanks to that lesson, when fear starts to rise, I look for something to ask for that will renew my courage. And with that very real courage, I can bring all my power and skill into a negotiation.

The post Here’s how freelancers can negotiate with courage appeared first on Ted Leonhardt.

“I want to raise my rates from $90 to $125 an hour.” That was the first thing Jessica said on the call. It was followed by, “My accountant advised it.” Quickly followed by, “How do I tell my clients?”

It’s a question I get asked all the time.

Before I could answer, Jessica continued, “I haven’t raised my rates for at least five years, and my costs have been going up steadily.” I could see she was uncomfortable with her justification. “But,” Jessica went on, “I’m afraid I’ll lose clients if I ask for more.”

I’ve been there. I sympathize. I feel anxious when asking for more money under any circumstances, not just freelancing. But throughout my career, I’ve negotiated design and branding fees in the hundreds and in the millions. Since 2005, I’ve advised creatives on negotiating salaries and fees. I founded and grew The Leonhardt Group, a Seattle brand design firm, and sold it when it reached a staff of 50 and $10 million in sales. After the sale, I took a creative director position in London. In that role, I found that the creatives I worked with across the world had the same struggles asking for the money that I did.

To some, $125 may sound like a lot. To others, it may not sound like much. One online survey pegs average worldwide freelance rates at under $20. But ultimately, the amount isn’t the issue. I remember getting just as nervous raising my rates from $25 to $35 an hour as I did with higher numbers. It’s not the amount; it’s the fear of asking and the possibility that the client will react badly. Or maybe even end the relationship. It underscores that old fear many of us suffer: a fear we’re really not worth it.

The risk of asking for more when we’re feeling vulnerable can cause us to roll over, give in, and ultimately, not earn what we’re worth. But there are more than 70 million freelancers in the United States. I believe they can, and should, raise their rates.
Here is my advice for how freelancers can ask for more:

FIRST, FACE YOUR FEARS
Independent workers are retained hourly, on contracts, and by the project. Some of us are paid in advance of doing the work. The barriers to raising rates in each dynamic may differ, but the emotional barriers are the same. Here’s what I know: In order to ask for more, freelancers need to first face their fears.

Someone once kindly gave me a routine to help me deal with these anxieties, an exercise that I still practice.

Twenty minutes before a stressful meeting, particularly one involving money, I turn off my phone and head to the men’s room. I sit in a stall and, with pen and paper, make a list of my accomplishments. With my list in my pocket, I confidently enter the meeting. I have never recited any of the listed achievements. But simply making the list prepares me to negotiate with confidence.  Confidence that, in effect, displaces my self-doubts.

HOW TO RAISE YOUR HOURLY RATES
When freelancers are paid an hourly rate they sometimes lose negotiation power. That is because hourly contracts allow clients to easily compare rates between freelancers and pressure workers to ask for less.

My biggest piece of advice when negotiating for a higher hourly rate: Give your clients plenty of time. Clients don’t like surprises, especially about money. Inform them of the increase a couple of months in advance. And a couple of months also allows you time to drum up new business if a client leaves.

Be prepared to explain why you’re charging more and why it’s in their best interest and yours for them to pay you more. If you’re anything like me, you do your best work when you are happy. Being fairly paid makes most of us feel good about what we’re doing. Making you feel well-paid and secure is in your client’s best interests.

Be sure to highlight how your skills have improved since you began. You are likely faster and more efficient. And perhaps most importantly, you now have a better understanding of your clients and how to meet their needs. And, with inflation, your costs have likely risen. It’s only fair that your hourly rate increases overtime to account for these variables.

Explain your hourly increase directly and in person. Follow up with a text, email, or document, so you have everything in writing. It’s critical that what can be a difficult conversation is done in person or on a video call. You will likely want to be able to respond to your client’s questions or pushback in person to avoidmisunderstandings. And misunderstandings about money have destroyed many client relationships.

HOW TO RAISE YOUR PROJECT RATES
It is often easier to raise your rates when you are billing on a project basis. You simply charge a larger fee the next time you get a project. When working in a fee-for-project arrangement, you are responsible for how much time you put in. The time you put in is a private matter between you and yourself. If a client asks what your hourly rate is, you can say precisely, “it’s a private matter. I’ve found that my clients want to buy completed projects, not hours.”

Clients can benefit from this arrangement, too. With a fixed per-project rate, they know exactly what they’ll pay, so there are no surprises.

One way freelancers can get more out of a fee-for-project arrangement is to bill in advance.

Billing in advance is my favorite way of doing business as a freelancer or a small firm. You are not a bank and are not in the money business. You need the money to support yourself while you’re working. You have rent or a mortgage to pay, healthcare costs, subscriptions, and fees of your own to pay on an ongoing basis. You need cash to cover it all.

When you tell prospective clients that all your work is paid for in advance, it can often separate those who value your work from those who do not. Being paid in advance also removes all the problems of collection and cash flow. Best of all, it sets you apart from your competitors. It shows your confidence while eliminating most of those fears that you might not really be that great.

So if the client asks, “No one else that we’ve talked to expects to be paid in advance, why do you?” Here’s your answer: “I prefer to spend my time working on my client’s behalf, not negotiating fees, not billing, collecting, or being concerned about cash flow.”
In my experience, clients respect freelancers who ask to be paid in advance. And billing in advance is the ultimate leverage for freelancers because it takes away the worry of not being paid.

Here’s my suggestion: If a project you’re asked to do can be completed in a few weeks, ask for it all in advance. And if the project is expected to take several months, ask to be paid each month in advance.

SO, WHAT HAPPENED WITH JESSICA?
Most of Jessica’s clients were contracted with bill-by-the-hour relationships. Most had worked with her for several years.
Out of fear that she couldn’t ask for too much and out of respect for their long working history, Jessica raised her rates by only 10%. She arranged video calls with each client and carefully went through her rationale. To her delight, all of her clients except one felt she deserved a raise.

She lost one client. She was sorry to see them go, but it wasn’t exactly unexpected. The company had been acquired by a large beverage company. Much of the original management team, including her contact, had been let go.

Raising her rates may not have eliminated all of Jessica’s anxieties about asking for more. But going through the experience of negotiating and getting most of what she asked for bolstered her confidence. Jessica saw that her clients respected her not just with their praise for her work but with their money as well.

The post There are more than 70 million freelancers in the U.S. –– here’s how they can raise their rates appeared first on Ted Leonhardt.

The time was tight, the date near. I had an upcoming meeting for a much-needed new business for my design firm, and I knew that I needed to prepare.

The thing is, we didn’t have enough business, and like many small businesses, we had serious issues when it came to cash flow. We didn’t have debt, but every dollar that came in went out the same day. However, I was so afraid of failing that I avoided thinking about the upcoming meeting because the very act of considering it opened the gates to the horrible fear of failure. I hid from the fear and the opportunity by doing nothing to prepare, and by not thinking about it.

I was so afraid of failure, and I let my flight-or-fight tendency take over. And rather than confronting my fear head-on, I chose to push it away and told myself that I could nail the meeting with a smile and a few smart comments. Deep down inside, I knew that this wasn’t the case–but it took me several rejections to admit that I was engaging in self-sabotaging behavior.

HOW I LET FEAR SABOTAGE MY CHANCE OF SUCCESS
A client of mine had recommended me to the new marketing director at a large chicken ranch. Her company wanted to expand beyond their commodity base with a line of high-end, branded chicken. They’d asked my team to come in to talk about package design.

Naturally, as was my method at the time, I’d done nothing to prepare other than gather samples of our current work. I could have done a news search on the state of chicken marketing; studied issues around packaging fresh meat; searched for coverage of senior management at the ranch. I did nothing because I was afraid to discover what I didn’t know, and the prospect of competing with major-league East Coast design firms terrified me.

I could have overcome those fears, but I didn’t. I just bought an airplane ticket. I flew to D.C. and caught a local plane to somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains. When I arrived in the small community, I realized that the chicken ranch was the biggest employer in town. You could hear, and smell, the chickens from the small main street. I stepped into a drugstore, bought a large newsprint tablet and settled into the diner next door to list my packaging bullet points. It was late. I was the last customer. The wait staff must have been bored because they got interested in my little production and gathered around to help, first with spelling and later with tips on the chicken ranch. “Wow,” I thought, “these guys know their stuff. This is cool; maybe I can pull this off.” I spent a couple of hours working and reworking my thoughts, with the wait staff coaching and egging me on.

The next morning I presented myself at the ranch early, eager to show off my new wisdom. Right away, I could tell that the meeting was a disaster. The CEO pointed out a spelling error—I’d spelled his name wrong on the first page of the flip chart.

When I pulled out our wine and candy packaging, a couple of executives got up and left. My contact, the head of marketing, refused to look me in the eye. With my worst fears dancing in plain sight and tears forming, I packed my samples as quickly as I could and left.

HOW I WORKED TO GET PAST MY FEAR
That wasn’t the only instance where my lack of preparation resulted in a less than desirable outcome, but for some reason, this particular experience was the one that forced me to change my approach. It was my memory of the wait staff that gave me the first push into preparation. Clearly, by that time, it was too late. But it reminded me that it could be fun. I enjoyed hashing out possibilities with them, and since they’d all worked at the ranch at one time or another, they had all kinds of valuable insights. Had I made an effort to do something like this several weeks earlier, my meeting might have ended differently.

It was then that I realized the simple solution to changing my thought patterns. You see, I hid from my fear because it left me weak and anxious, and made me feel depleted. And while my reactions had been to push it away, I realized that I could move past it by not thinking about myself. I can choose to direct my focus to my clients–their needs, issues, and concerns. I can start to identify where my expertise could be of value, giving me just that boost of confidence that I needed. The more I thought about how I can help, the more confident I get. I can then start to plan and find myself enjoying the challenge of solving the puzzle. Before I know it, I’m in a state of creative flow.

Fear can lead us to act in self-defeating ways. But that doesn’t mean you have to succumb to those actions. You can choose to tell yourself a different story, one that gets you to take positive steps, rather than remain paralyzed with fear.

It took many failures to realize it, but I learned to overcome my fear by reframing how I thought about preparation. It wasn’t a “tryout” where I can fail, but a pleasurable process to search for insights that others might not have. In other words, I needed to see it as a fun challenge, rather than an inevitable win/lose situation. And I’ve won more times than not since then.

The post My chicken ranch story appeared first on Ted Leonhardt.

“Teddy, what’s three times five?” It’s asked in a voice I can’t ignore.

“Fifteen.”

“And what’s four times five?” More demanding now.

“Twenty,” I say, dreading the next question, knowing exactly where he’s going with this. Knowing, too, that tears are about to spill.

They do.

“Okay crybaby, what’s four times six?”

I think the right answer is just four higher than the last one–or is it six higher?–but I can’t think, and instead I feel a yawn coming. The body’s same self-sabotaging illogic that’s got me crying as the worst imaginable moment. Yawning will really piss him off.

I lose out to the yawn.

“Bored stupid, are you? Or just plain dumb? You’ll never get through the fourth grade!” Dad’s voice is rising now. And here it is: “You stupid little shit.”

Bullying is a form of violence. It’s intended to dominate a victim into submission. When we’re under attack our rational minds shut down, moving into their self-protective “fight-or-flight” modes. (We typically learn about this process in high-school biology class, as I’d wind up discovering five years after passing the fourth grade, no thanks to my father.) When we can’t fight or run away, we freeze or surrender. These are normal human responses to being in danger.

My dad was a bully. And experiences like learning my multiplication tables taught me a lot about bullying. His attacks drove away any possibility of remembering what four times anything was. It gave him absolute power over me. It still pains me to write this, to recall the deep well of absolute despair he’d plunge me into. The whole exercise wasn’t about learning; it was about him being “smarter” than I was, and proving it by emotional blunt force, shattering any hope of returning back into the world as a normal kid.

Bullies bully to be in control because they feel powerless themselves. They bully not to inform, not to help. Theirs is never constructive criticism; it’s destructive criticism. (Even so, I never missed my father’s point: I needed to learn my multiplication tables and hadn’t put the time in.) I came to realize, as well, that bullying is situational; bullies usually only bully under certain circumstances. Somewhere deep down (and among other motivations having nothing to do with me), my father was afraid I wouldn’t be successful. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to help without demeaning and shaming me. If I resisted or didn’t respond, he could only escalate; for him, there was no gentler approach.

I wasn’t stupid, and I knew it even as he berated me. I was pretty sure I was smarter than most kids in my class. I also knew I was smarter than he was.

I wasn’t a crybaby, either. I knew I was just overwhelmed by my father’s ruthlessness. I’d seen my mother in tears from his cruelty, too.

Bullies follow patterns of their own design, inevitably turning their victims into skilled observers of human behavior. I compiled a mental encyclopedia of all the situations that might trigger my dad and did everything I could to avoid them. Looking back, it’s easy to see that I developed anti-bullying techniques unconsciously, purely out of survival. I couldn’t change my father and I couldn’t leave him. But I learned through trial and error how to reduce my vulnerability. These are a few of the rules I’d cobbled together by age 11 or 12:

Keep your distance. I stayed away from my dad as much as possible, and I made plans to leave home as soon as possible.

Flatter. When I had to spend time with my father, I praised his strengths to keep him from finding fault with me. The flattery, combined with sidestepping sensitive subjects, actually created a workable dynamic between us much of the time.

Tell someone when you can. Once after getting caught running away from home, I asked the priest of our church for help. I knew that using an authority my father would respect could help keep him in check for a while.

My father’s bullying was out in the open, overt and aggressive. There was nothing subtle about it, and my resistance strategies were just as makeshift as you’d expect from a kid weathering that type of crossfire. But they kept me going. In the business world, I later found, bullying is usually (but not always) more masked, and more sophisticated.

Bullying to curry favor

At first I think it’s my fault, but after six months in my first professional position I realize my new boss is sneaky, deceptive, and mean. He takes credit for others’ work and demeans his staff in public.

He invents infractions to accuse his team members of when his superiors are around. He seems motivated to build his reputation as a hard-driving manager focused intently on continuous improvement–the favored leadership style of the moment. Any attempt to protest earns swift humiliation and blame. We staffers resort to total passivity to survive.

“People leave bosses, not jobs,” they say, and it’s true. I quit after nine months.

Bullying to seem smart

It’s years later. I’m running a design firm. No one on my staff is as poised or confident as Gretchen when interacting with clients. But her coworkers are starting to resist joining her on projects. I suspect something is wrong, but Gretchen is responsible for substantial billings. People who can manage clients are hard to find and harder to replace. So I bury my concerns.

Then two designers approach me to speak about her confidentially.

“Ted, she gets us to contribute designs on her projects,” Terry starts. “She adds our best ideas to her solutions. Then she presents using our work to get the client to see the benefits of hers.”

Sally agrees. “She has an imperialistic style with us. She’s superior and disdainful, and she ignores our comments. She even rolls her eyes when we try to speak up. Once she made me work all night after I’d critiqued her solution.”

I realize that I’ve avoided giving my star player the corrective feedback she needs. I’ve been too afraid of losing her. I make an appointment to speak with Gretchen the next day. When I offer some gentle pointers about working more collaboratively, she seems receptive, and I feel relieved. Duty done.

Months pass, and I turn my attention elsewhere. Then Kay, one of my creative directors, appears at my door.

“Ted, Gretchen has to go, or I’m out of here.”

“What happened?” I ask, knowing the answer.

“I know you spent a bunch of time with Gretchen last fall, but nothing actually changed. She just got sneakier. She’ll never change.”

Gretchen doesn’t use profanity, name-call, or raise her voice like my father did. But she uses her position of authority to demean, dismiss, and dominate exactly like he did. Sadly, she’s equally incapable of seeing that she could get better results by working with her team than by bullying them.

I let Gretchen go the next day.

Bullying to hide insecurity

Paul is an account director with a bad habit: He makes creative commitments to clients without consulting his team, earning him the nickname “PowerPoint Paul,” because he once went into a slide deck overnight to change a design to something he thought the client would like better.

I call him on it. He launches into a series of justifications that in his mind made it okay to circumvent his team. Is he bullying them? Not exactly, but Paul’s knack for deceitfully taking control and undermining his colleagues isn’t far off the mark–and I suspect that his own lack of confidence is the culprit. Meanwhile, his coworkers feel powerless, forced to submit to his way of doing things.

When I describe to him a series of similar incidents I’d been made aware of, Paul starts crying. Once he recovers we map out a better way for him to approach the creative team with client concerns. With a bit of coaching and help from his colleagues, he’s eventually able to change tack and gradually rebuilds trust with his team. And I’m able to retain a talented account manager.

In the years since learning my multiplication tables and moving on to tackle Gretchen- and Paul-size problems, I’ve revised my playbook for handling bullies:

Remember it’s not about you. Bullies aren’t bullies out of nowhere. My dad was a war vet. We never talked about it, but he could very well have been suffering from post-traumatic stress. I later came to realize that his bullying, while painful for me, was really far more about him.

Observe, and plan an escape. Whenever my father was bullying me, I was unable to do anything but shut down and take it. But I always knew what was going on. Recognize the behavior you’re experiencing for what it is–and know that the trauma will pass. Then strategically plan your escape from the tyranny, like Kay managed to do. Commit to not weathering abuse indefinitely.

Find support. Bullies can leave you feeling ashamed or unworthy of others’ respect, and the tendency is to isolate yourself so others don’t see that. But seeking help and advice from trusted friends, peers, or a professional can help you find a path forward. Isolation will only drive you deeper into submission. If you decide to report the bully, choose an authority carefully–one who has the resources to assist you, confidentially if need be, and won’t make the situation worse (even unintentionally).

Unfortunately, I’m not optimistic that we’ll ever live in a bully-free world. But understanding bullies’ motivations, tactics, and patterns can help you contain and escape them.

For me, total escape from dad’s bullying didn’t come until I took my first professional position. I’d been slowly distancing myself from home, and him, for years–first with part-time jobs that paid for clothes and cars, and later with full-time summer employment that included room and board. But it was my first job as a design illustrator that allowed me to step away from him completely.

Best of all, my starting salary was more than he’d ever made. I calculated that one in my head without even trying.

The post My dad taught me how to deal with bullies, because he was one appeared first on Ted Leonhardt.

Mike was floored. Just as he was recovering enough to respond, the recruiter cut him off. “What have you got to say for yourself?

Anything?”

“I’m sorry–I thought we were meeting at 11:15,” he stammered, still panicking. “Was it supposed to be at 11?”

For a moment or two Richard, the interviewer, just stared at Mike and tapped his pencil. Silence. Mike felt his face redden. His heart raced. He couldn’t imagine how he’d gotten the time wrong. But he must have.

“Just kidding!” the recruiter smiled. “I just did that to see how you’d react.”

Mike felt his anxiety begin to drop, with a touch of anger creeping in to replace it. He thought to himself, “Keep your cool – this guy is clearly an asshole. But you’ve got to get past him to meet with the actual hiring manager.”

Recruiters and candidate screeners pull this kind of thing occasionally for all sorts of ill-advised reasons; others are just curt and pushy in less dramatic ways. Intentionally or not, their bullying behavior tends to put job seekers on edge rather than at ease, creating a tense, confrontational dynamic that makes it a lot harder for candidates to show themselves in the best light. Here’s what to do if you find yourself in this kind of predicament.

COMPLIMENT, DON’T COWER

Deep down, bullies doubt their own power and overcompensate by being brusque and pugnacious. If you show fear, they’ll continue and often escalate things. But if you compliment them on their expertise, and they believe your compliment is genuine, they’re more likely to back off.

Regaining his composure from Richard’s ploy, Mike let out a deep, exaggerated exhale. “Yeesh, that was really effective, Richard. It really got to me.”

“Good. That’s what I intended.”

Then Mike followed it up with a powerful compliment: “I can see why you’re in charge of interviewing candidates for this position. You’re really good at it. Have you been in recruiting long?”

“No, just a year. But I can tell you that I’ve placed more of my candidates than anyone else in this office,” Richard boasted.

With this brief exchange, Mike lets Richard bask in his authority while quietly gaining a little more power of his own.

SHOW YOU’RE WELL-CONNECTED

Bullies are less likely to continue with their bad behavior if they believe you’re well connected within a professional community, because they secretly fear being exposed as frauds. So over the course of your conversation, make sure to mention any professional groups you’re in, both on- and offline. Include industry associations and user groups that you’re active in as well.

USE NEUTRAL LANGUAGE
The best way to continue the conversation with a bully is to use clear, simple, unemotional language. You need to seem in control of yourself, but not fearful or intimidated. Neutral language is non-judgmental and non-controlling. For example, “Could you elaborate?” is neutral. But “What do you mean by that?” has a judgmental edge.

CALL OUT WHAT’S HAPPENING (RIGHT AWAY)
If you feel the interviewer has laid some kind of trap for you or is trying to throw you off your balance, call them out on it: Ask, in effect, “Did you mean to scare me?” By drawing attention to what the bully has done, you remove some of their power. This is especially true in professional situations where they don’t want to be seen as being inappropriate (even if what they’re doing absolutely is).

The underlying dynamics here resemble a schoolyard tussle, where your in-the-moment response to bullying determines the outcome. So don’t wait to let the bully know you know what’s going on. By saying, “That was really effective, Richard. It really got to me,” Mike was letting Richard know immediately–in a very neutral manner–that he was on to his behavior.

CONSIDER THE CONTEXT
Recruiters are frequently paid on commission and may feel the need to move fast and take risks as a result, so you may be more likely to encounter unsavory behavior from third-party recruiters than from hiring managers or in-house HR officers. So try to remember this going into your interview. The upside is that if you pass their tests (however off-putting or unfair), many recruiters are great at selling candidates to their corporate clients.

With this in mind, Mike continued, “I know the position requires that I deal with lots of suppliers who support the company with their services. And I expect that the company feels they need someone who will be tough as well as fair. Would that be a proper assessment, Richard?”

But before waiting for an answer, Mike asked a second question: “Would you like me to describe a couple instances where I needed to get tough with a supplier?”

By asking questions in a way that reinforced Richard’s misguided belief that bullying is appropriate – that it’s an effective way of handling others – Mike ensured that the bully’s feelings of satisfaction and control remained high, without allowing him to continue his bullying.

Of course, there’s a caveat here worth underscoring: Forget this entire approach if the bullying interviewer works for the company you’re interviewing for – you don’t want to work there. It’s a huge red flag that the work culture is toxic and aggressive. But when the interviewer in question isn’t part of the organization and represents just a hoop you have to jump through in order to score a meeting with somebody on the inside, allow yourself this slight disingenuousness.

The goal isn’t to reinforce bad behavior. It’s simply to avoid letting that tank your chances unfairly and prematurely. Do that, and you’ll win over a champion who can talk you up to the team you’d actually wind up working with – which hopefully shares much better values.

The post How To Nail A Job Interview With A Bully appeared first on Ted Leonhardt.

Stop trying to turn everyone into “team players.” Here’s how to set a baseline that everybody can commit to–no matter how different they are.

When I started out as an illustrator and designer, I focused way too much on myself. I thought I was only expected to do the work I was skilled at, figuring that the task of getting everyone on my team to pull together was our boss’s job, not mine.

That assumption wound up hurting me. I didn’t understand how to communicate. I followed my own agenda, unwittingly adding to team drama with unhelpful gossip. And when one of my first performance reviews included a critique from my supervisor that I wasn’t a “team player,” I actually took it as a compliment: “Team players” were losers, and I was a uniquely gifted winner. I quit soon afterward.

It took me a while to shake that egotism–and learn not only that teamwork makes everybody’s work better, but also that you don’t have to surrender your personality to be a team player. As a manager, I’ve since learned how to ask employees to focus more on their team without having to downplay their individual strengths and quirks. The secret is simple: It all comes down to the norms you set.

Getting to know your norms

Norms, for starters, are expected shared behavior. No matter what they consist of, they’re the known but mostly unspoken “way we do things around here.”

Teams can have strikingly different social behaviors and still produce exceptional work. I’ve seen teams with an informal brainstorming process–they always went off track during team meetings–be just as successful as extremely formal teams that were totally goal-focused. What matters isn’t the style of behavior, but that all team members feel good about that style.

This also leaves room for individuals to improvise and do their own thing. If one team member’s approach to a certain task differs from her coworkers but they’re similar in style (if not substance), chances are they’ll still be able to collaborate. The norms govern a certain set of behaviors that bind the team members together. As long as everyone’s broadly in sync with them, you won’t need to spell out a best practice for every single task or activity. In general, norms must accomplish these five things:

>Guide how much personal sharing is part of team meetings.

>Determine how critical feedback is shared and how praise is used.

>Keep the group from splitting into cliques and factions.

>Be inclusive and serve as a binding agent that holds everyone together, even when opinions differ significantly.

>Prove strong enough to ensure that even divisive opinions are respected and encouraged (since they’re often where the best solutions come from).

If a team member or leader breaks with these norms, they do so at the risk of diverting the team’s attention away from the shared goal. Best of all? Encouraging and enforcing your team norms frees managers from having to do the impossible and “manage” their team members’ personalities.

Embodying your team’s norms

Once you’ve identified your norms, it’s easy to draw up more specific guidelines that reflect them. Here are a few that I’ve found are especially helpful for managing teams of creative people whose personalities may be more likely to clash:

Manners matter. Civility provides a feeling of safety. Once civility becomes the norm, it’s easier for team members to do work that challenges each other as well as conventional wisdom. As long as you can be civil in the way you disagree with each other, you can put forward radically different ideas in pursuit of a shared goal.

Inclusion. If civility helps everyone feel respected by their coworkers, inclusion is what lets everybody feel equally valued and empowered. In meetings, for example, this norm might dictate that all team members speak for roughly an equal amount of time. Those who really listen to each other feel respected, included, and at ease sharing decision-making power evenly.

Dependability. For the team to succeed, each member must not only commit to doing their share of the work, they must also complete it on time. The simple tenet of always doing your part and honoring your commitments is fundamental to any cohesive team.

Role clarity. Each team member has to know their own role, be completely committed to it, and understand how it supports the roles of the others. This is what gives team members confidence in their value to the group and in their colleagues’ contributions.

Higher purpose. Everybody needs to grasp why we’re doing what we’re doing and believe that it matters. That underlying sense of purpose is (ideally, anyway) what motivates everyone to make an earnest effort individually.

Honest critique. This one is sometimes under-appreciated, but effective teamwork depends on being able to step back and question how the work is progressing and whether it’s serving the goals. Effective critiques challenge and examine different approaches, thinking, and methods, sometimes leading to a change in direction. This type of feedback needs to focus on the work, not the person who did it; done wrong, criticism can stir up vulnerable feelings of not being good enough rather than strengthen everybody’s stake in the process.

Healthy controversy. Seemingly risky or silly ideas are essential to collaboration. Encourage your team members to ask challenging questions and look for unusual solutions. A committed, supportive team creates an emotional environment where controversy can flourish and be positively channeled.

No bad behavior. Damaging interpersonal behavior is off-limits. That means no personal gossip, no back-channeling, no undermining, and no shaming or blaming.

You’ll notice that these norms and guidelines don’t have much to say on the question of personality type–and that’s by design. Rather than managers or team members adapting their approach to the personality of whoever they’re working with at a given moment, norms set a common baseline. This way, everyone knows how to behave to be a “team player”–even though they may be a proud individualist at the same time.

The post The secret to teamwork isn’t managing personalities appeared first on Ted Leonhardt.

Bullying behavior is common in a lot of workplace situations, but it can be especially destructive in negotiations. When you’re sitting across the table from someone who makes it clear they’re going to intimidate you to get what they want, it’s easy to freeze up and capitulate. But you don’t have to.

What Makes Bullies Powerful — and How to Defuse It

First and foremost, avoid the temptation to fight fire with fire. Behaving like a bully actually reduces your negotiation skills. The reason why is simple: It blocks you from understanding the other person’s point of view, and if you don’t have a good handle on that, you won’t have a good handle on the negotiation.

I’ve seen this happen over and over, but I’m not alone. Victoria Pynchon, cofounder of She Negotiates Consulting and Training, puts it this way: “If you believe you have to force people to do what you want in order to get what you want, you won’t bother learning how to ‘sell’ them.”

Negotiating successfully is all about understanding the other person. That takes empathy; when you’re feeling dominant, you’re less inclined to tune into others’ feelings. But is this is important to know if you’re the non-bully as well. The bully’s only real source of power is the unpleasant feelings they stir up in you. So as long as you can get past them, you can actually gain the advantage. Here’s how.

1. Know Your Opponent

Your first step should always be to learn as much as possible about the person you’ll be negotiating with, their organization, and why they’re talking with you in the first place. This holds true whether you’re negotiating a big corporate contract, a freelance project, or a job offer.

I’ve been in many negotiations when the other side really didn’t have full command of the facts. A belligerent tone can sometimes hide that reality, but if you’ve done your homework, it’ll be pretty transparent. When that happens, I make a point of listening and taking notes — some of which only serve the purpose of showing that I’m taking notes, to reinforce that I’m paying close attention. Once the other side feels confident that they’ve made their point, I share my own point of view in the politest voice possible. Then I ask their response to what I’m saying.

2. Lean into Your Expertise

Your experience working with the issue under negotiation is a huge part of your advantage. Don’t give it up. If a bully is negotiating with you, it’s because they want something from you. Otherwise they wouldn’t waste their time and energy. So trust in your expertise and listen to learn precisely to what they think they need from you and why they need it.

Use your experience to frame your observations, by saying things like, “In my experience, the most effective way of meeting your needs would be to . . . ”

3. Bide Your Time

Bullies act first and as though with absolute confidence. They know that fast action puts their opponent on the defensive. And if you’re not prepared to deflect their certainty and aggression, you’ll be overwhelmed and likely to cave. The trick is to wait them out. Don’t respond when you’re put on the spot. When they’re finished, find a way to empathize with them, even if that means avoiding answering their demand. If they demand something ridiculous, smile and say no.

4. Keep Your Cool, And Remember You Have A Choice

When you’re in the thick of it with a bully, things can feel tense — like every second is a do-or-die moment. That’s how bullies want you to feel. But you don’t have to capitulate to this kind of pressure. As long as you’re prepared for it, you’ll have no trouble keeping your cool. I always remind myself that they have no real say over what I decide to do. The whole reason we’re negotiating in the first place is because it’s ultimately up to me to decide whether or not we have a deal. I’m in charge of me, which includes whether to get as confrontational as they are.

5. Let Them Feel Powerful

Finally, bullies need the assurance that they’re all-powerful — a need that you should indulge. Counterintuitive as it may sound, it’s actually in your interests to reassure them of their power: “Mr. President, your campaign was remarkable. What you did has never been done before. Absolutely brilliant. Congratulations.”

This is a trick that the most emotionally intelligent people use in order to be persuasive. Stroke that ego and permit them to feel dominant. Then ask for what you need from them in order to be successful on their behalf. When your bully feels like they’re on the same team as you, you’ll have a lot more leeway to get what you’re after.

Turning A Quiet Advantage into A Win

Before that meeting with the law firm, I asked another printer we trusted to print some letterhead to our specs. As anticipated, they did a beautiful job.

The meeting began with the printer and the firm’s marketer explaining why the work didn’t meet expectations. I listened thoughtfully, nodding with genuine sympathy while examining the work. That was when the litigator unleashed a merciless verbal assault on me. He attacked me aggressively, criticizing our lack of professionalism, demanding that we not only pay printing costs but damages for delays caused by our “sloppiness.” I listened attentively to his rant — I was prepared for it, after all. When the room went silent and all eyes were on me, I continued to nod quietly for a bit, letting a momentary pause hang heavy in the air.

Then, looking directly into the eyes of the person who’d just bullied me, I said kindly, “I’m so sorry this happened. I know how important the new stationery is, and how seriously disappointing the outcome was. I was disappointed, too.”

Then, reaching into the envelope where I’d stashed the correctly printed samples, I said, “To check the specifications, and in preparation for this meeting, I asked another printer to run some samples,” which matched our original design perfectly. I laid them on the table.

There was no further mention of us paying a cent. The litigator thanked me and turned his wrathful attention to his marketing team as I left the room. I felt badly for them, but they really had blown it. They didn’t have the expertise that we did, which is what we were really getting paid for. All I needed to do was remind our client of that — just with more brains than bluster.

This article, based on an anecdote share in Mentor Mornings, originally appeared on Fast Company.

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As part of negotiating the deal, she’d offered to bring in another freelance writer with a complementary skill set to help her on the project, thinking it would shore up her own credibility and let them both charge higher rates. But now Chase had expressed some interest in dropping her altogether and giving all the work to her associate.

This happens to freelancers and independent workers more than you might think. There are a few reasons why, and a few things you can do.

Why Work Slips Through Your Fingers

First, the bad news: As an independent doing project-based work for a company, you automatically face a number of disadvantages, where at least a few of these things are likely to hold true:

• You don’t automatically own the client relationship just because you were first to the party.
• It’s hard to establish (and get recognition for) a hierarchy within informal work groups put together by independent professionals.
• Clients can and will bypass newly created reporting roles hoping to keep management costs low.
• Complex projects nevertheless require more formalized reporting structures to keep the job on track.
• Companies that routinely work with freelancers often do so to avoid paying management fees.

Randi had been doing piecework on Chase’s site for a year in the hopes of eventually getting to revise the whole outdated structure. When Chase inquired about how SEO could drive more traffic, Randi responded that she knew Matt, the perfect SEO guy, and immediately introduced him. Her thinking was that Matt would report — through her — to Chase since it was still ultimately her project.

It worked fine for a while, but then the client began to leave Randi out of emails. Fearing that she’d miss some important details, she reminded Chase to keep her cc’d, and got this response:

Randi, I’m concerned about costs and would prefer to work directly with Matt. What’s your role?

Randi wanted to respond with, “I need to manage this project to make it’s done right!” But she thought better of it and called me instead.

The Liabilities of Loosely Affiliated Freelancers

A lot of freelancers find themselves in loose affiliations — a “distributed team” or “virtual firm,” with many individual providers banded together without any official, corporate ties.

This can have some great benefits — fertile minds free to work on their own, with multiple projects, sharing referrals. And these working groups are usually mutually respectful; freelancers recommend friends of theirs and are usually careful not to step on one another’s toes.

But sometimes clients’ competing demands make that unavoidable. Instead of expanding the original contact’s scope of work, a client will simply sideline, or even cut completely, that person’s role as soon as another freelancer comes on.

Adding Structure, and Justifying Its Value

What’s the best way through this dilemma? For starters, structure. Once a project is expanded beyond a single practitioner, it’s essential to establish (first among yourselves and then with the client, in writing) who is responsible for what and whose job it is to keep on top of all the details.

Establishing yourself in that role will expand your own scope of work, deepen your client relationship, and seriously build your resume and LinkedIn profile. Here’s how Randi explained it to Chase:

Hi Chase,

I know that you’re concerned about costs and don’t want to pay for unnecessary management. In my experience, the best way to control costs is by:

• Managing the flow of information from the team to you so you aren’t overwhelmed with too much detail on the one hand or feel you don’t know what’s going on, on the other.
• Implementing changes in a way that’s consistent with your new goals and your brand.
• Providing each team member with the background they need to do their jobs when they need it.
• Keeping on top of the project’s progress and how it compares to the original schedule and budget, this way there aren’t and ugly surprises.

I know you have your own demanding job to do and the last thing you’ll want to be doing is translating details to multiple providers, let alone worrying about how those details will impact your brand going forward.

Thanks,

Randi

Don’t Get Burned

Notice that Randi focused on what Chase needed with her argument. She acknowledged his concerns about unnecessary expense directly, and she carefully described taking some useful steps that were all in Chase’s best interest.

What happened next?

Randi is now completely updating Chase’s site with a full team of professionals under her management–and getting paid for it. Chase is thrilled with the progress and recently commented, “I am so glad you agreed to take this whole thing on. I can’t thank you enough for the peace of mind you’ve given me.”

This article originally appeared at Fast Company.

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It’s natural and normal to fall into this mind-set. These are such positive, seductive feelings that you can’t help but indulge in them. That’s understandable—after all, they’re what motivate most of us to look for new work in the first place. But this mind-set can also be dangerous. They’re feelings that, if you don’t shed them before you walk into the interview, will lose you the very opportunity you’re so keen on landing.

Going One Step Beyond the Standard Advice

You have to put aside what you want and replace it with what they need. Why? Because they need something and think you can provide it, or you wouldn’t have gotten the interview. Now comes the opportunity to confirm their hunch.

This is a point that gets made pretty often in advice for jobseekers, but it isn’t always easy to put into practice. You already know that your main objective is to convince them you can meet their needs better than anyone else. Got it.

But you’d be mistaken if you think you can do that just by positioning your skills and experience in line with the role as it’s been described. Again, you should do that, but you also need to address the prospective employer’s needs more head on.

A second piece of common career advice is that you should interview them while they interview you, and that’s a sound suggestion as well. But the “you interview them” side of the equation isn’t just about culture fit, or finding out whether you’d actually like working at the company. You’ll also want to gear your questions toward uncovering what the interviewer wants the new hire to accomplish and what their own experience has been at the company.

To take each of these common approaches a step further during your next interview, you’ll need to know not just the right questions to ask but the right stories to tell.

Trading Stories, Not Just Data

When I was presenting to Coca-Cola for a packaging assignment, I told a story about when the big boys in my neighborhood bought me a Coke at the corner store when I was six years old. Getting that Coke made me feel like I had just been accepted into their tribe. It forever cemented my connection to the Coca-Cola brand. From that simple story, the Coke team knew I understood the essence of their brand.

Short, tightly drawn stories like that build meaningful connections. And they can often result in your interviewer returning the favor, by telling a story or two of their own that shows their connection to the organization. That’s the way it should be—all about them.

Yes, it’s an interview, so you can expect lots of questions on both sides of the table. But you need to be ready with many questions of your own, and the standard few you may already know to keep up your sleeve may not get you as far as you’d hope. First, ask permission: “I’d like to ask you a few questions about the role [or project]. Would that be all right with you?””

This way you’ve taken the reins, rather than waited until the very end of an otherwise one-directional conversation for a desultory turn of the tables. Then you can dive in. When you do, ask big-picture, open-ended questions, not just those that can be answered strictly with information, like “How will you define success in this role?”

[pullquote]Ask big-picture, open-ended questions, not just those that can be answered strictly with information[/pullquote]

The key is to demonstrate that you want to understand the company and its goals in the broadest possible way so that your work will be in sync with their most fundamental objectives, not just those associated with the specific job. Here are a few things to inquire about, which lead to trading stories, not just information:

1. The current state of the company:

I understand the company was recently acquired and it’s been announced that you’ll be entering some new markets. Is that correct? If so, how do you see this position [or project] supporting such a major change?

2. How the role or project relates to the company’s past and future:

What has your experience been with projects like this in the past?

What sorts of failures has the team this position is part of encountered before, and how would you describe those?

3. How the position or project you’re interviewing for supports where they see themselves going:

What would be most valuable and helpful for you right now?

How are your needs evolving right now, and which key challenges do you expect to face right around the corner?

4. What the goals are and why those goals are important:

How would you describe success, and why is that your criteria?

Each question opens up a new avenue of questioning, and it shows you’ve done your homework. This line of inquiry can also get your interviewer to talk more concretely about their aspirations, in a spirit of mutuality.

The more they talk about the opportunity, the more you’ll learn, so you can refine your follow-up questions on the spot and in your communications post-interview. Best of all, the more they talk, the better they’ll feel about you and your ability to succeed for them.

This article originally appeared in Fast Company.

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